Decisions
by Commander Tiny
Summary: Spock has feelings for Kirk, and frankly this pisses Bones off. Jim needs to make a decision, but it's going to be a hard one. McCoy/Kirk, Spock/Kirk.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first Star Trek fanfiction, so please go easy on me. xD I'm a hopeless Spirk fangirl. I own nothing~**

Spock had been feeling strange.

Not all the time, and not always the same way; the first strange feeling was better, when his Captain glanced at him or when they played chess; the other strange feeling was harsh, bitter, when women put their hands on him and when McCoy spoke to him in private. It bothered him immensely for even though he could define the feeling he had no desire to—it was not Vulcan, not logical.

Finally, after yet another end-of-shift disappearance of both the Captain and Chief Medical Officer, Spock was forced to confront the feelings. Stifling a low growl in his throat, he clasped his hands behind his back and headed for his quarters. As soon as he was inside, he slammed a fist against the wall, not hard enough to hurt it but hard enough to release his emotions until he was buried in them.

The emotions brought up images, all of Kirk—smiling, laughing, talking. Being human, indescribably so, and he _wanted_ it. It was illogical, Vulcans didn't want, but he did, more than anything. And suddenly, Spock was filled the desire to talk to his mother.

She was quick to answer the call, her smiling face filling the screen. "Hello, Spock," she greeted him.

"I apologize for calling so unexpectedly," he replied, not really focusing on her face and instead on a spot on the wall about two inches above. "But I…have a…dilemma of sorts."

"Oh? What is it?" Amanda asked, her eyes filling with concern.

"I…am not sure how to explain it…" He could feel his ears growing hot at the thought of trying to explain this, even to his mother.

"You're blushing," she said, sounding almost…amused. "Come on, Spock, you can tell me."

Spock took a deep breath, attempting to fool himself into thinking he was alone with his thoughts. "I believe I am having romantic feelings for someone."

"Really?" She sounded surprised. "Why, Spock, that's wonderful."

"I am not so sure of that, Mother," he replied. "He—"

"He?" Amanda interrupted, raising her eyebrows. "Believe me, I have no problem with this, but…" She paused and closed her eyes for a moment, the way she did when she wanted to think. "Spock, dear, if I may ask, who is this lucky young man?"

"Er—" Spock had never been one to stammer, but the words caught in his throat. He swallowed hard, making one hand into a fist. "It would be my Captain, Mother."

"Captain Kirk?" Amanda definitely sounded amused now. "The first time you described him to me you said he was illogical, stubborn, and painfully human."

His face flushed green. "I-indeed I did." She put a hand over her mouth, her eyes crinkling, and he caught the badly stifled laughter.

"Oh, my goodness," she said after a moment, waving a hand dismissively. "I apologize." Her expression became soft, concerned again. "So? What's the matter?"

"I believe he is romantically involved with someone else," Spock murmured, unable to look at her.

"Dear, I'm sorry," Amanda said softly. "I think you should tell him how you feel."

"He believes I feel nothing," he growled, his voice harsh. "I cannot display such…open emotion…I am in _control_."

"Just because you are in control of your emotions does not mean you cannot feel them," she snapped. "Spock, listen to me. If you don't tell him, you will not be able to control your emotions. Instead you will be displaying them in front of everyone, so filled with pain." She reached out towards the screen, as if to touch his face. "I love you, my son. I hope it goes well."

"Goodbye, Mother," the Vulcan replied, and the screen went black. He stood and began to pace. When he realized how pointless it was, he stopped, left his quarters, and began walking toward Kirk's.

The human part of his mind willed him to stop, to turn around and pretend this had never happened, but the Vulcan part forced him onward. Silently he counted the clicks his footsteps made, alone in the hall; it had been a late shift. He wondered almost hopefully if Jim was still awake.

Spock looked up; he stood in front of his Captain's quarters, close enough to reach out and ring the doorbell but too far for the doors to open automatically. Suddenly he was filled with an intense, human fear that he couldn't stifle; what was he doing here? What would doing this accomplish?

Not a moment after he had turned to leave than the door opened. "Spock?" The Vulcan stopped in his tracks and mentally shouted every Vulcan swear he knew, and a few Romulan. Composing himself, he turned around and froze under the Captain's brown eyes. They would be the death of him, he knew it.

"Did you want me, Mr. Spock?" Jim asked. He was alone. No Bones. This reassured him somewhat.

_Yes,_ his mind whispered, functioning more slowly than usual. "Yes," Spock stated out loud, "I need to speak to you privately."

"All right," Jim said, standing aside and smiling at him, "come in." He stepped into the room, warmly lit, with a picture of an aging, smiling woman on his desk. Spock grew more uneasy, turning around as though the room were far too small. Kirk had settled in his desk chair, and motioned for him to sit down, but he remained standing.

Spock clasped his hands behind his back and almost bit his lip, if that were not an illogical course of action. But what was logic to him now? Feeling these emotions for his Captain was not logical, but it had the ability to send a liquid warmth blossoming through his chest and up his throat, making his words stick on his tongue.

"Spock, you know you can tell me anything," Jim said, noticing his anxious demeanor. "I'm your friend." What was he supposed to say? After another moment of awkward silence he decided to take the same route he did with his mother.

"I am having romantic feelings for someone on this ship," he blurted out, digging his nails into his fist. He stared above Kirk's head, unable to meet his eyes.

"Oh? What's the problem?" Spock's gaze snapped to him in a fierce glare. "Oh, right, Vulcans, no emotion," Kirk stumbled.

"We feel emotion," Spock growled. "Sometimes we feel it more strongly than humans." He bit down on the inside of his cheek in fear, releasing in surprise when he tasted blood.

"Well, Spock, who is this person?" Jim asked, grinning.

"It…it is you, Jim," he managed, dropping his eyes as his voice cracked. Control. Gone.

"Oh," Kirk stammered, "I…um…" Spock was granted a memory, of Jim on his first day at the Academy, so cocky and confident but stumbling to make conversation with the Vulcan, who just looked down in weak amusement. And something snapped inside him. "I'm not sure what to say, honestly I'm flattered but—"

"But you do not return these feelings," Spock said, his voice low and rough. "I was aware. You and the good doctor are not as subtle as you believe yourselves to be. Excuse me, Captain, I will be leaving now."

He almost ran to his quarters, instead managing some control until he was safely inside his room. The warmth had vanished, leaving ice encasing a hollow shell, the broken pieces cold and unmoving. Spock sat on the edge of his bed, and thought, until he was in some dream-like state of nothingness, but never did he sleep.

He reported to duty perfectly on time, as always, and although he may have been stiffer than usual he was mostly unchanged. On the outside at least. Inside, Spock was counting every moment McCoy chose to come to the bridge, every touch that he knew meant something because he wanted to touch Jim there as well; his arms, his hands, once the nape of his neck with light fingertips. Spock was, however, perfectly normal, perfectly well, and perfectly logical.

Until McCoy and Kirk disappeared from the bridge for over two minutes, and his Captain returned with hair considerably more disheveled than before. Spock felt a sharp noise rising in his throat that he could not stifle; abruptly he rose from his chair and walked out of the bridge, ignoring Jim's concerned voice following him.

When he reached his quarters he sat at his desk, staring blankly at the wall. At the moment he didn't care about logic, and emotion, and simply let all his mental walls and blocks come crashing down.

"Spock!"

The Vulcan turned his head, confused. There stood his Captain, who looked equally puzzled, his chest heaving. "I thought…I could've sworn…"

"Sworn what, Captain?" Spock asked, trying to keep his voice level. It came off sounding strained and left a bitter taste in his mouth.

"I thought…I was _sure_ you were in trouble," Jim said, perplexed.

"As you can see, I am not," Spock replied. "Now, Captain, if you would kindly leave me in peace." He dismissed him by pointedly turning his head and staring back at the wall above steepled hands.

"No," Kirk snapped, taking on his authoritative voice. "No First Officer of mine bolts out of the bridge without an explanation."

"I am unfit for duty at this time," the Vulcan said smoothly. He glanced at his Captain, his eyes pleading. "Please…Jim…"

"I…alright, Spock," Jim murmured. "I can understand. I'll send someone to check on you later, however."

"Thank you, Jim."

The door closed and Spock was alone.

He could say how long he sat there, as counting the minutes was the only thing that kept him sane; he didn't do much except think, and think, and try to figure out a logical way to overcome this. There wasn't one.

After several hours, Spock was forced to stand if only to release the stiffness in his legs. He knew he should eat soon, but there was no dull ache in his stomach; just a dull ache everywhere. He settled for lying on his bed and closing his eyes, hoping to get a bit of rest.

And his door beeped.

"Come," he barked, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. The door opened to reveal Dr. McCoy, who was the absolute last person Spock wanted to see. "What do you want, Doctor?"

"The Captain seemed to think I should check on you," McCoy said, eyeing him warily. "Said you were out of sorts."

"The Captain is incorrect," Spock growled, "and I would appreciate if you would leave me alone." He stood and glared down at the older man. The doctor glared right back, crossing his arms over his chest and not blinking. "Doctor, if I have to resort to forcing you out of my quarters physically, I will."

"You don't scare me, hobgoblin," McCoy snapped, "but I'll leave because I know what Jim would do if he caught us fighting, and I'm not in the mood to be shot out of an airlock." He turned and walked from the room, leaving Spock to wonder what illogicality he'd gotten himself into.


	2. Chapter 2

Kirk was trying as hard as he could to focus on the lips at his neck, but his mind was wandering. He barely heard the annoyed huff, and was only jolted back to reality when teeth nipped the tender skin at the hollow of his collarbone. "Ow!" Jim exclaimed, staring up at Bones in indignation. "Jesus, Bones, that hurt."

"Good," the doctor snapped, leaning back onto his feet. "What's going on with you today?"

"I'm just not in the mood," Jim grumbled, not meeting his eyes.

"Don't give me that shit, Jim," Bones growled. "You're _always_ in the mood." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Something's going on. The hobgoblin is suddenly unfit for duty, you're turning down sex—"

"Don't call him that," Kirk snapped.

"Whatever. Is someone dead?"

"No, no one is dead."

"Then what is it?" Bones slid his legs out from under him and lay down next to Jim. In a rare moment on tenderness, he brushed the hair from his face and gently settled his fingers against his forehead. "Come on, open up."

"Spock…he likes me."

"You've got to be joking."

"Yeah, like I'd joke about my Vulcan First Officer having feelings for me, Bones," Jim muttered, turning away. "It's awful, I've never seen him like this."

"Yeah, he threatened to beat me to a pulp."

"What?"

"I'm joking, Jim, I'm joking. He just wanted to be left alone." Bones reached out to Jim and squeezed his hand. "Is there anything I can do?"

"I'd ask you to go talk to him—"

"Jim, what am I, a doctor or a therapist?" McCoy snapped.

"_But_ he's…jealous of you, I suppose," Jim replied, glancing at him with heavy eyes. "Can we stop talking about this now? It's weird, and I'm tired."

"I'd be jealous of me, too," Bones said with a smirk. "You're not exactly like every fish in the sea."

"'M not a fish," Kirk murmured, already falling asleep. He thought he felt the ghosting of lips over his and a murmured _I love you_, but he couldn't be sure; he was slipping into a soft, comfortable world of dreams.

When he awoke, McCoy was rushing across his room, muttering curses in a thick Southern accent. "Nnn…Bones…what time is it?"

"Time for you to get the hell out of bed," he snapped, "we're going to be late. And I don't need anyone seeing me coming out of your room in a shirt that isn't clean."

"Alright, alright, you go, I'll see you later," Kirk said, pulling himself from the bed and looking for a comb.

"See you at lunch," McCoy muttered. A moment after he had left the room Jim heard the annoyed "Aw, shit." The blonde-haired man walked out of his quarters and instantly realized how awful this situation looked: McCoy coming out of Jim's room still fixing his clothes and Jim, wearing no shirt, with hair mussed and a horrified expression on his face.

"I—um—" Kirk spluttered, trying to think of some excuse Spock would believe. The Vulcan merely inclined his head, jaw tight and a light greenish tinge on his cheeks.

"Captain," he acknowledged. "Doctor." He pushed past them, making a note to avoid Jim's bare chest, and silently walked down the hallway.

The rest of Jim's shift went uneventfully; he was thankful to escape the awkwardness of Spock sitting ten feet away and the boredom of absolutely nothing happening. Kirk stepped into the quiet hallway and stopped to look at something on his shoes.

"Excuse me, Doctor." Kirk looked up from his boots, his curiosity sparked by Spock's level tone from further down the hall.

"Nope, hobgoblin. We're gonna have a little talk." The hairs on the back of Jim's neck rose in alarm. He decided to listen from afar for now and see what happened. If he needed to break it up, he would.

"What is the reason for our conversation, Doctor McCoy?" Spock asked, his voice definitely rougher than before. He was irritated, no matter how much he'd like to say that he felt no emotion.

"You being an ass," Bones snapped. Kirk could almost feel his genuine glare boring into his eyes. "You need to get over the fact that Jim is _mine_, not _yours_, and that I intend to keep it that way."

"Doctor, if you please, I'd rather not discuss this."

"I don't give a damn, to be honest!" Jim could nearly see Spock bristling.

"Jim belongs to no one," the Vulcan snarled. The Captain was surprised by his tone; he hoped he'd never have to hear it directed to him. "He is a man."

"Yeah, he is, and so am I," McCoy growled right back. "You're a perfectly green-blooded Vulcan, at least you like to think yourself one." Jim, uncomfortable with where this was going, stepped around the corner. Spock's ears were flushed green, McCoy's face red. They were staring at each other with a harsh, outraged intensity.

"You better get it through your thick Vulcan skull that I love him, and he loves me, and we _can_ because we're not pointy-eared logical computers. If he gets hurt, I'll actually act like I _give_ a damn and help him while you spurt facts and just act like nothing is wrong! I will _always_ be better for him than you, got it?"

"Bones!" Jim shouted. Spock took a couple of steps back, the blood draining from his face (and ears). "Bones, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

The doctor's head swung towards him, then to the Vulcan, and back to him. "I—you're like a goddamn cat!" he snapped.

"Bones, get out of here. Now." Jim could plainly see the hurt across the older man's face but right now he didn't care. McCoy swung around and stalked away, leaving the Captain alone with Spock, who had sunk to the floor in a completely illogical manner. Jim walked closer and kneeled beside him.

"Spock, are you all—"

"Leave me be, Captain."

Ah—Captain. Formalities now. This bothered him immensely, and so he reached out and grabbed Spock by the jaw. "No," Jim said, "I won't. What Bones said was way out of line; illogical, if you will."

Something flickered in Spock's eyes. "What is logic to me now?" he whispered, voice laced with defeat.

"What do you mean?" Kirk asked, perplexed.

"I mean that—how am I supposed to be logical, when hearing your voice makes me want to smile?" Spock whispered, his dark eyes glittering. "How am I supposed to be emotionless, when…when I look at you, and know that I am in love with you?"

"I-in love?" Jim repeated. Spock closed his eyes for a long moment and inclined his head. If he hadn't known better, Kirk could've sworn that he saw tears welling at the corners of the Vulcan's eyes.

Spock's eyes opened and he stared at Jim. Suddenly, he was wracked with terrifying pain, overwhelming passion, and then a sudden calm all at once. The Vulcan was looking at him as if he knew what had happened. "Spock, what was that?"

"I was testing a theory, Jim," Spock muttered, and he leaned forward and kissed him.

Several thoughts rushed through the Captain's head: "_We're back to Jim"_, _"Oh my _god_ is he kissing me?"_, _"Wow, he's a pretty good kisser"_, and _"Hm. He tastes like apples. Peculiar"_. Too late, though, Kirk realized what was happening, and pulled away.

"Spock." His voice was ragged, which he cursed himself for; he could see the emotion sparking through the Vulcan's eyes, just waiting to catch. "We can't do this, Bones and I—" And then nothing. The spark was dead.

"Of course, Captain. My apologies." Jim was getting pretty good at figuring out when Spock was hurting and smothering it all; the Vulcan rose to his feet, smoothing his hair and shirt, and walked away.

"Dammit." Jim felt himself utter the word, although he wasn't positive why; he was just kissing someone who was not his boyfriend. He had to stop it.

"Done making out with the green hobgoblin?"

"Gah, Bones!" Kirk jumped to his feet. "Scared the hell out of me." The doctor stood accusingly at the corner, arms crossed against his chest.

"I'm glad." Bones didn't get angry and yell about serious problems like this; he didn't accuse, he didn't jump to conclusions, he didn't overreact or act preemptively. He hid the pain inside and was very, very rational. McCoy sighed and leaned against the wall, staring at him. "Jim, if you want to be with him, I won't stop you."

"Wha—no, Bones, I care about both of you, but…" Jim glanced at his feet and then at the nearly pained expression of his doctor. "I love _you_, Leonard."

"You're not acting like it," McCoy murmured, the hurt showing clearly on his face now. "God, Jim, I'll give up anything if it makes you happy, but I need _something_!"

"I'm sorry," Jim replied, moving closer. "I'm sorry." He watched Bones' face intently, looking for something to know he was forgiven. There was nothing.

"I trust you." The doctor took a deep breath. "I trust you, but I'm bound to get scared that you've been acting like this because you have feelings for him. And then I catch you two kissing out here…what do you want me to think, Jim?"

"There isn't anything I can say that will make this better, is there?" Kirk whispered. McCoy shook his head slightly. "I'll try anyway. I love _you_, I love you so much."

"I'm not going to forgive you this instant," he muttered, a smile twitching at the edge of his lips. "But I love you too."

"Thank you," the Captain said. "But—really, Bones? You had to yell at him right now?" The doctor's face reddened.

"Yeah, I know," he muttered. "Sorry." Jim smiled faintly.

"I'd really prefer if you two didn't try to rip each other's throats out on a daily basis, you know."

"But it's in our nature, Jim," Bones said, grinning. "Either we rip each other's throats out, or the universe implodes." The Captain rolled his eyes.

"Maybe a little less?"

"Are we going to stand here and discuss what we won't do, or go do what we should do, which consists of eating?" McCoy asked, stepping around Jim.

"Oh, all right, but if I catch you two fighting again I will personally shoot you out an airlock." Bones burst out laughing. "…What? What's so funny about that?" Kirk asked, confused.

"Oh, nothing," Bones gasped out around unbridled chortling. "Just reminded me of a conversation I had the other day."


End file.
